There can be no doubt, that writing the last seven articles that have appeared on this site, has in itself, been a learning curve of immense proportions. More so, given the sixty years of silence I chose to live with, since that first unexplained occurrence back in 1953 when I was nine years of age.
Not only has it been a learning curve that I gladly traveled along, it has also been a journey of self discovery in many ways, not least emotionally, psychologically and of course, spiritually.
Along this short yet emotionally charged journey, despite the life time of not wanting to discuss my life’s experiences with my mother, it has given me the opportunity to talk to her during those few lucid moments in her own life, when her Alzheimer’s forgot to control her memory long enough for her to understand what it was I was talking to her about. More importantly, during such rare moments, she was able to coherently give me explanations to some questions that lay heavy on my soul within the cacophony of silence that permeated my senses over the past sixty odd years.
Towards the end of 2013, she woke one morning in a very lucid state and it must have been fate that led me to call her on the phone that morning where we were to have a lengthy conversation before her memory went walk about in a conglomerate of disconnection. Given that I had never spoken to my mother about any of my experiences that you will have read about in my articles, I wondered if it would be too much for her to take in given her 92 years of age, let along having such a distressing disease of the brain. However, I took the offensive and asked her if she had any memories of my childhood when we lived with my gran (her mother), who was the spiritualist and medium I have talked about so much. She said she did and started to recount events that I knew were true in every detail, and so decided to go a little further, and told her about the early occurrences that I experienced.
She listened with a beautiful serene quietness, that only a loving mother can do, with a sense of understanding of the sometimes distress, anxiety and confusing emotions invoked by over sixty years of un-explainable occurrences, which as you may recall, included many NDE’s, OBE’s and CAD’s. I in turn, spoke to her with a deep love and respect for her as my mother, knowing the hard life she had lived with her own alcoholic abusive father and later, with an arrogant, self-conceited, chauvinist husband, especially when he took great delight in ridiculing spiritualism and everything associated to anyone with this belief system.
After I had finished, she gentle said: “Ok, so what next”. I decided to tell her that I was attending two separate weekly groups of like minded people where I was finally beginning to openly acknowledge my connection to spirituality in all its aspects, including knowing that someone was always close to me when I was alone. I waited for her reply and wondered with anticipation, what it would be. Her words enveloped me in a sweeping cocoon of understanding and at the same time, wonderment: “Well, it’s about time too. At last you have walked through your door, so do not turn back as there is more waiting for you”.
I asked her what was waiting for me, hoping to hear her say that my life would now become positive given the negative events that had surrounded me these past ten years, what with the sudden unexpected passing of my soul mate, wife and best friend, and that at long last I would get my wish and be able to see or speak to her once more. Instead, all she said was that I still had to travel a long and difficult road before it would all become clear.
Continue this conversation, came to an abrupt end, when her brain decided to return to its normal state of complex confusion and disconnection, and so that was it. The following day, I rang the care home where my mother lives, and spoke to the staff as I held a hope that her disease was in submission, even though I knew as a social worker, that this just did not happen with Alzheimer’s. They informed me that this was a very rare occurrence for her and that as soon as our phone call ended, her mind became as disorganized as it was for most of her waking life. However, as their policy is that a nurse always sits in close proximity to their residents in case they become distress for any reason whilst on the phone to family members, they informed me that there was no shadow of a doubt, that during this phone conversation, she was both very lucid and aware in her thinking, behavior and speech, and it gave them an insight into her personality that that were never shown so they were grateful for that. Such information gave the staff an opportunity to understand a great deal of my mother’s behavior especially when she insists she is talking to spirits that visit her, which up until then, they had always put down as a facet of her dementia.
Over the next few days, I allowed our conversation to seep in, trying hard to process it in a way that it suited what I wanted it to suit, but life is not like that as I well knew, so drifted on until a few days before Christmas Eve when I rang to wish her a happy Christmas. The staff nurse answered the phone and said that my mother was not having a good day and that she had been up all night mumbling about having to tell me something which would give me some understanding of my purpose in life, something I have always fought hard to find out.
They said to expect a tirade of mumbled confused and disconnected information when she came on the phone and whilst I felt sad for her that this was her daily life routine, I was happy to hear her voice when she said hello.
Before I could even ask her how she was feeling, she told me that she had some information for me and I should listen carefully. Now it needs to be said, that I only spoke to my mother about some of the things that I had experienced – voices when alone, feeling the presence of someone helping me when my life was in danger, including the NDE’s, and the visitations and visions that I have seen throughout the past sixty odd years. I did not talk to her about what I was doing when attending the two weekly groups of like minded people, or about the large spiders I often see run across my line of vision left to right, or even the dancing balls of lights which I have often talked about in my earlier articles.
This is what she said verbatim: “You have two people watching over you. Your spirit guide is your great uncle Bertie (my note: who himself came to spiritualism the same age as me – 69 and whom died twenty odd years before I was born), and he is the one who whispers in your right ear. The other ‘watcher’ is for you to find out as they insist, that in finding out who they are, is what you need to aid you in your task in understanding your purpose in life.
The spiders are friendly spirits telling you that something is about to happen so you should open your spirit portal, and the dancing balls of light are the spirits of your family and friends who appear to you to tell you that you are not alone.”
Silence. I sat in sheer disbelief at the lucidness of her thoughts, unable to react verbally. Then she asked me if I understood what she had said. I said I did but still had some questions for her if she was able to answer them. Clearly she was and so I asked her how she knew all this to which she replied: “Frankie, I have always known, you just were not ready to hear it. You have to continue, never give up, always have faith and believe”.
After a few seconds of silence, I said ok mum, I promise to have faith and belief, at which point she asked who I was and why was I talking to her. The lucidness had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The phone was put down as I heard my mother walking away calling out for one of her friends to come and have tea and cake as it was coffee time. The nurse in the office where my mother took the phone call, picked up the phone and said she could not believe what had just happened. I told her that there is no answer to it, it is just part of life’s rich patterns and as mere human beings, we have to except that there are more things we have no knowledge about with both the spiritual world or the human brain and that we just had to accept it has happened and deal with it accordingly.
Now that I have had time to process the information, I understand a little more about the complex and sometimes frustrating world of spiritualism and all its constituent parts. I still am unsure what my life’s purpose is, but I am more settled in myself now that I know that it does have a purpose and that one day, it will be revealed to me, when I am ready to know such information. In the meantime, I accept and acknowledge that I have to continue to better understand myself as a human being; to become more aware in tune with my soul; to accept that knowledge is not in itself the goal but what to do with what you know; that life’s purpose is to continue to learn and understand all things; and of course, that unconditional ‘love’ is the key word for all meaningful relationships.
So where is this short but potent journey taking me?
During my evening meetings with like minded people, I get visions appertaining to those present and I see it is my role, to inform them what I see and not to interpret what I see; I have become open to the voices, the dancing balls of light and the spiders and this in itself has given me the ability to live my life on a more peaceful level; I accept that some things have no rational explanation and am content to live with this just as I am happy to continue to question things when the need arises; and finally, at least for the purposes of this article, I am working towards that realization for the purpose and meaning of my life, with out fear, dread or any personal or financial gain. My gift, if this is what I have been given, is for the betterment of humanity in general and as such, I gladly unconditionally, share it with anyone who wishes to be a part of it.
So, thank you for reading the articles. I hope some of it has helped you in your own journey of self discovery, and if you are ever in my part of the world, or I am in yours, I would be happy to meet and share time for a coffee with you just as I would be happy to share my gift, experiences, knowledge or understanding of spiritualism along with the complexities and wonderment that sometimes surround and permeates it.
Be well and be safe
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